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“I would like to tell you, Alice, that I realise what you want from me. That sometimes you want me to screw up just so you can beat on me, or mock me. I know you want to humiliate me and break me down, and while I find it hard to admit, the fact is...” My voice went very low. “I really enjoy being treated like shit. I love it. I need it.”“I was hoping to hear something like that”, she said. “Now I’ll have to point out some of your defects, though: you’re lazy, you are not curious or daring. To be blunt, you’re a wimp and a coward, and while you’re obedient and submissive, you’re not devoted enough. You’re really bad at anticipating what I want or trying to delight me and surprise me, and at putting yourself last when I’m not telling you what to do.” She fiddled with some equipment.“If I’m going to stay with you, you’re going to show me that you want it, you are willing to work for it, and though you can’t possibly deserve it, you will do your best. This is why I have prepared this. After work I showered and then dressed. Heading out I decided to play what had been my usual amount back then even though I could afford more now.I arrived at the casino and went to the roulette table that started my luck all those years ago. Different dealer, different feel, everything was different. I thought to myself 'After all, it has been over ten years.'I gambled and lost a couple of hundred dollars there, having not much luck. I walked over to that slot machine. At least it was still here, rather, one just like it. Sitting down I started to play. One quarter at a time.I found that I was getting angry. At myself, at life, at everything. I couldn't seem to let go of her even now. Because of that I wouldn't give any other woman even half a chance. Self imposed solitary is never as neat or cool as being some guru on a mountain top may seem. There was a lot of lonely up there. A vast amount of it matter of fact.Disgusted with myself, I 'woke up' to find I'd blew through all forty.
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